JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Hot Hot Hot
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!