A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.