Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4