necessity is the mother of invention
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.