I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.