Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.