*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork