We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
True freaking story!
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.