If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.