All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I saw this ending much differently.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins