my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
c’mon!
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.