I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle