The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
That’s easy for you to say
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.