them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*