If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You Might Also Like
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
watergate? u mean a dam??
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.