I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
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[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential