Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Cats are still liquid.