My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
hmmm