What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Always.
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