When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”