can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
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*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Just me?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“What?”
– Jude