Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
That’s what I call a flat tire
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned