Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
You Might Also Like
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
This cat wants you to take your pills
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something