me 2 months after i graduated
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BRO LMFAO
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.