When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
You Might Also Like
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
(by @ZachWeiner )
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you