Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.