nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.