If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Our lord and savoury.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared