*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I enjoy a good short stor