Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t