I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The future is now.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.