Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You Might Also Like
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.