murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?