A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight