One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My boss called in sick of me
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.