Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Pretty much! 😂👀
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
good let them take over I have had enough
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…