anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I鈥檓 a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I鈥檇 pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: 矢岬掅禈鈥櫴翅祲
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Phonetics
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
馃挴馃槀
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I鈥檓 very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I鈥檇 barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If you鈥檙e dating someone named Merle you鈥檙e required to call them your Merlefriend.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They鈥檙e for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don鈥檛 know how
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”