Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Mountain Goat : )
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.