Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again