It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?