12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
We decided to have money instead of children.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?