*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.