i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
i installed a ceiling fan in my room