I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You Might Also Like
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot