Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Mood.. 😂
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”