Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*