Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore