Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
You Might Also Like
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I’ve been learning to cook.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
wtf is a larm clock?
How I’d get arrested…
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila