“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
You Might Also Like
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”