bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.